| DC/Marvel: Age of Infinite Heroes | ||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
The particulars of the contract were rather specific. There's a drug cartel leader who needed killing. And you're great at killing. So after you killed the assassin the client was going to hire, they hired you instead - Wade Wilson. The Merc with the Mouth. Aka, Deadpool. It was a very specific thing in that you were told that ONLY the cartel head was to die. But given you like killing so much, they made a special offer if you only kill the cartel head - on top of the $50,000, you get 4 chimichangas. Because free chimichangas are much tastier than ones that you have to buy.
Yay for chimichangas! Deadpool otherwise was very, very happy with having otherwise figured out the perfect way to make his burrito. Wait, he was supposed to kill a guy, burritos afterwords. So, for the last few hours Wade had been laying fragmentation mines around the base the crime boss worked from, while humming the 1812 Overture and sneaking.
The Cartel Head is sitting in his study, arguing something with some governmental official. His first in command and two of his bodyguards are there as well. It's something in spanish.
< Why am I still having DEA problems? My men just found another one and have him for interrogation! I am paying you for your influence with the American governmental pigs! >
< But Senior Parasel, the new American President takes a personal interest in their drug war - he's very popular and my regular contacts in Congress are having trouble with dela- >
< No! No more excuses. Kill this idiot, we'll find someone more capable of doing the job! >
At this point Deadpool is sneaking around, right when his O-Phone goes off ~All the girls say Hey Baby Hey Baby Hey~ As he went to pick it up, "Oh, hey Weasel! What, Blind Al got out of her cage again? Dammit I thought I told you to barricade it over with the bookshelf! Oh, I broke that last week? Point.. Well, look at it this way if she manages to stab out your kidneys that's losing weight.."
Probably to the alert of all of the guards that had heard his conversation.
The cartel head looks around when Wade's ringtone goes off. And then he actually goes to pick the phone up and TALK on it. He says something to his corporal.
The next thing, there's a BIG man who's gotten the drop on Deadpool, grabbing him from behind - the Cartel head's first in command, who looks like he's built like someone shaved a gorilla then gave him steroids.
Deadpool looks over, "Hey, look! It's the AOL Gorilla!" So we're gonna make this joke? "IT's time to SPANK THE MONKEY!"
Deadpool went into a combat pose, his inner voices /wincing/. "Look I know there should be a hot girl present for this.." He adds, "Okay one that's not on fire."
Does Deadpool's combat pose help with being punched in the face off the railing into the room below that he was spying on? Because that's what happens - he totally gets punched in the face.
You knew this was gonna happen when you were fighting someone who wasn't Logan. Life isn't like DBZ, they're not gonna stop while you soliloquoy! "But Goku has lied to me!" Deadpool totally does a sob/sweatdrop as half his face was caved in, "OW OW dammit man don't you know proper etiquette? Or do you follow the Evil Overlord list and thus know to not follow proper etiquette unless it advantages you?" While peeling himself out of the wall.
The two bodyguards take out their AK47s, as the cartel head says, in spanish < Someone shut this gringo up with several bullets to the face? > They walk over, pointing their guns... and star firing right at Deadpool's face. Which works about as well as bullets to Deadpool's face usually work, while the first in command comes back down the stairs.
Deadpool says, "Owowowow! That stings dammit! And it doesn't sting like senile aunt pinching your cheek! Bullets at close range sting over like killer african wasps that try and eat your brain!" The bullet holes in Wade's head make him look almost likea macabre skull then as Wade goes to try and drop a grenade at close range."
"Owowowow! That stings dammit! And it doesn't sting like senile aunt pinching your cheek! Bullets at close range sting over like killer african wasps that try and eat your brain!" The bullet holes in Wade's head make him look almost likea macabre skull then as Wade goes to try and drop a grenade at close range.
The grenade is tossed at the ground by the two bodyguards. The corrupt governmental official and the Cartel head? They dive behind furniture. The two bodyguards look at each other with a look of 'oh crap' just before it explodes!
Which means no four chimichangas.
But wait... When the smoke clears, the two bodyguards are both on the floor. With burns on their faces. And shrapnel in their chest. But... they're alive?
YAY! The chimichanga option is still on the table!
Deadpool looks up, "Why holy rastafarian zombie on a haystack! Yay I'll get my burritos!" It's chimichangas. "Okay after this op we'll be ablet o afford Taco Bell." he glances over at the men, "So, who made you guys immortal? I know! IT's the Voodoo Chicken guy!"
Voodoo... chicken guy? "Look it was either him or Doctor Bong and he was our psychiatrist at the time and those ninjas were costing a fortune." Deadpool advances towards the two men, katanas cautiously drawn, "So what macabre mystical ritual gave you dudes immortality but still let you e icky and explodied?"
The two men get up, confused, and shoot at him again. With the official and the cartel head still hiding behind furniture. And again, it's like the most boring shootout ever, where every bullet hits with a kill shot but no one gets killed. For Deadpool? A normal tuesday. For them? Not so much
Deadpool ducks down as chunks were blasted off of him, "Ow ow ow! Look if we're ripping off my epic and awesome fan film I had better get to flirt with Domino rather than have her collect the bounty!" Deadpool was on the defensive now, bullets not seeming to -do- anything, "Uhm, calling Wes Anderson!" He was pretty sure that the contract specified no 'death', but it wasn't particular on 'dismemberment' and he was at very much a loss as to what was going on. The men weren't ozmbies, were still moving..
At this point, "When death doesn't work, Dismemberment comes a quick second!" Unless it's Logan 'cuz he's a wuss. Wade charges in, swords swinging then as he tried to toherwise just cut off the men's limbs then to leave them torsos, if that worked!
The men yell in pain as Deadpool shoots their kneecaps - which is the first time they don't seem to ignore the bullets after grenades going off on them, and headshots being equally ineffective. It wasnt as fun to shoot at other people who wouldnt die, was it?
But apparently dismemberment worked just fine as Deadpool slashed across their legs, causing them to fall down all screamin and going into shock and stuff. But not dying! Nope! Just crippled for life! That's probably still good for the chimichangas.
The cartel head peeks out from behind the couch. " < Crap! >"
Deadpool calls out, "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" He's behind the couch. "And what's going on? I'm stabbing and shooting people and they're going owie but if I stabby them to death they're just going on like it stings like asking Logan to shave." Wade ponders, "Now, mister cartel man, come wtih me. Get me the nachos. Yesiree!" Wade was still confused then as he kept his gun pointed at the cartel boss and went to dial his O-Phone to call his employer.
The Cartel Head gets up, hands raised over his head. < I surrender! I surr-.... > He looks at something behind you. < I surrender..... you to your fate! >
He finishes his sentence as his second in command comes up behind Wade - again. For a big guy, he's really quiet. OR Wade is really inattentive. Whatever the reason, he's trying to strangle Wade with a razor wire garotte.
And that's when things get REALLY weird, as Wade's thought bubble says
(Yellow colored) Stopping time. We need to talk.
Deadpool blinks over, "Wait. Yous aid something. but I didn't say anything. Or I didn't say you saying anything. Or the.."
For once in his life, Deadpool was clueless, "Uhm, this is a new level of disassociative identify disorder. You mind telling me waht's up inner voice not under the writer's control?"
Meanwhile, no one else is moving. Including the huge guy with a garotte wrapped around Deadpool's throat from behind. The box says:
(Yellow colored Thought Box) Actually I'm saying everything even when I'm not saying stuff that you don't know I'm saying. Know what I'm saying?
Huh? (Type "help" for help.)
(Yellow colored Thought Box) I just made the staffer forget an emit and it went Huh? Hilarious!
Then the thought box opens up and a pair of hands clambers to try to pull a small figure through the blackness from behind the box. "oNe SEc! onE sEC.... oUT oF ShAPe. oUT oF ShAPe tO cLImB oUt oF a SHaPe..."
Then a fourteen year old girl with eyes of two different colors and rapidly changing rainbow-ish hair color pulls herself through the hole in reality and falls onto the floor. "oW... hATe GrAVItY." she says, rubbing her behind.
Deadpool blinks a bit, "uhm.. Give me a moment for my brain to process things?" Wade erred, "And what did I do then that broke things this bad? It wasn't the thing with the microwave and the laundry?" The wire digging into his neck, Wade went over to try and take out a small kinfe to start sawing through the wire. "As this is weird even my standards. And do I know you? I have a feeling like while you are hot and all, I'd like to think I'm not a pedo."
Delirium saunters over to Deadpool while he's busy cutting the wire. Though with time stopped, the wire will still stay in place anyway. "yES, yOU'rE lIKe mY tHIrD faVORiTE. FiRSt wHEn iM' iN tHE mOOd For bUNnY eARs cRaZY." So she grabs ahold of Wade. Then just pulls him forward, causing his head to decapitate. Then picks up his head and pushes it back on. "wE nEed tO tALk. aNYThINg seEM weIRd?" she asks as she looks around, first peeking under the couch, then shaking her head. Then pulling aside the corner of reality, where a lot of 0's and 1's are floating in cyberspace. "nOT hERe eIThEr :("
She actually spoke out the frowny face, by the way.
Deadpool taps the back of his head, "Well, other than the whole fact that one of my little bubbles is apparently you over in.. I mean wow, I'm completely honored." He gives a bow over to Delirium which is one of those rare shows of complete respect from Wade, "And something's up with her? I mean.. That'd explain.." For once, complete seriousness. "FUCK."
Delirium closes the thought box then climbs on it to sit. "tURnED ofF thE bOXeS. yELlOW hURtInG mY EyES." She nods a little. "bIG sIStEr iS MisSinG. tHOuGhT mAYbE yOU'vE sEEN hEr sINcE yOU lOvE hER. sHe'S nOT wITh tHE pUrPLe gUY wiTH alL thE chINs."
Deadpool shakes his head, "No. There was a Cutscene bit back but I haven't. I know a lot of the bigwig brains are clueless too." Wade lowered himself to his knees, "Fuck, fuck, FUCK. Who is insane enough to know who she is and to have done this sort of a thing taht's not Chinnimus Maximus?"
Delirium raises her hand to that. But then sighs. "i MIsS bIg SisTER. i'M NoT suPPoSEd tO taLK aBOUt tHE cuTsCeNEs. NpC wITh nO aCCeSS tO thAT BbOArD. aND sOMeONe iS hELpInG tHE pERsOn wHO hID bIG sIsTEr."
Deadpool nods over at Delrium, "Sorry! Dangit these rules are hard." He taps his chin, "So, there's a long list of.. Those who would want to Kill Death till she's dead!"
Delirium starts to shake her head no rapidly. "nONOnOnONo! bIg sIStER nEEdS tO dIE. tHAt'S tHe PrOBLeM. sHE lIvEs oNCe eVeRy cEnTuRY tO dIE anD iS OvERdUE! :("
Again, she said frownie face afterwards.
Deadpool nods, "Okay, so you're saying that some people made sure Death wasn't killed when she was supposed to? Oh the calamity and the narrative irony!"
Delirium nods then hops off the thought box. And she looks different than she did before. Now looking like a 22 year old girl with brown hair with streaks of blue, and a purple eye and green eye. Also wearing a biker outfit. She doesn't really mention the change. "i KNoW yEAh :(" Again announcing frowny face. "i ThInK it wAS thE clOwN bUT sOmEoNe iS blOCKinG viEW oF hIM." She takes your white thought box and turns it horizontally so she can sit on it as well, sighing. "tHe PlOT iS cLIcHe toO! lIkE fROm tHE tWIlIGHt zONe sHOw wiTH JaSOn AlExAnDER pLAyInG biG sIStER. ReMeMBER? GeORgE frOm SEiNfElD?"
Deadpool nods, "Yeah, that they then made over into a movie! But kept the same scripts and used all the actors from Star Trek. I mean, do we really want to have to shudder at the memories of William Shatner going 'there's.. Something.. On.. The.. Plane..'" Otherwise frowning, "So, the clown's not able to block you on his own, and he's not the type to cooperate over with other's. That means that someone is blocking him without his input or he's found osmething way out of his normal league."
Delirium hops off the thought box again and fiddles with the corner to open it, now being a 22 year old with blue hair with red tips and wearing a tutu. "TaStES cHAoTiC thOugH." She peers at Deadpool. "iF yOU fiNd hIM doNt kILl thE cLOwN thO? hE haS iMMUnITy. ToO poPUlAR."
Deadpool shrugs, "I couldn't if I wanted to. I mean thats his TV Tropes page. And honestly, while I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs and willing ot slaughter the kids if the rabbit paid me so he could get his junkie fix, I'm not good at finding people assuming the clown has run out of double entendre themed streets and gag factories to make secret underground bases in. We're going to need a specialist at finding folks who are fruity patootie and I think my other brain half leaked out when I stabbed."
Delirium opens the white thought box, then looks at Deadpool as a 15 year old valley girl with a tuxedo on and again, rainbow hair. "u WoNT bE aBlE tO aFfORd bURrItOs iF yOu canT' kILl anYonE, ALSo." She reaches into the hole and pulls out a couple of chimichangas. Then walks over to Wade and hands them to him. "i FeEL baD thAt yOu caN'T dO tHIs jOB. FiNd bIG sIStER thEN yOu caN coMPleTE iT? hERE. YuMMY." Then she skips back to the dialog box, then waves at him before asking "WaNt mE tO cHAnGE scENeRY?"
Deadpool sighs, "Sure. And dammit and damn your knowledge of my love for cheap American faux mexican fast food." Grumbling, "So how do we kill someone when the law of the land is no one dies?" Wade taps his chin, "Maybe I should put my ass in the Flying Rodent Signal and see if I can summon the Chief Emo. And change of scenery is good."
Delirium smiles a bit. "iF yOu LoVE hER, kILl heR. sHE'S iMMuNe tO tHe rUlE oF no HEr." Then jumps into the hole, closing the thought box afterwards.
And leaving Deadpool in a Taco Bell by the front counter in Burbank, New Jersey.
With no pants.
Deadpool glances over at the counter, "Wait!" He looks up at the counter, "Eh, it's a living. Give me ten of everything on the menu."
Deadpool goes to cross his hands. "And be snappy about it or I'll be persnicketty!"